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Wladimir & Derek in 'Hugs, Kisses & Hooks!'


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PREFACE

 

As I'm sure you are aware, Derek Chisora has a history of kissing men full on the lips. He did it to his opponent Carl Baker before their fight, cradling Baker's head in his arms as he did so. That much is fact, but the rest of what you are about to read is pure fiction.

 

Derek has made an appearance in a comic piece of mine before, a cameo during the press conference for the David Haye-Audley Harrison showdown. Here follows a reproduction of that appearance....

 

Another gatecrasher then appears, it’s the new British Champion and author of the book, ‘Hello Sailor’, Derek ‘The Fairy’ Chisora.

 

Chisora, having taken centre stage, proceeds to address the assembled multitude, and Haye in particular, stating that once David has won the fight, he’ll be given a beating by the new British champ. Haye tells Chisora to go and kiss his arse, and then bares his posterior to the pretender, who promptly plants a sloppy wet kiss on Haye’s left buttock!

 

Having been known in the past to snog his opponents, Chisora then proceeds to plant Audley one right on the kisser, and dances off into the sunset carrying his condoms and pink handbag! One grizzled hack remarks that John Ruiz and Chisora would make a very happy couple, and wonders if they’ll be tying the knot anytime soon!

 

Now that's got you in the mood for the main feature, here without anymore ado is what you've all been waiting for....

 

 

Wheelchair productions in association with the local loony bin are (almost) proud to present....

 

Wladimir 'Porcelain Chin' Klitschko and Derek 'The Fairy' Chisora starring in the pugilistic epic

 

Hugs, Kisses and Hooks!

 

 

THE PRELIMINARIES

 

The press conference gets underway with the champion, Wladimir Klitschko taking centre stage. The champion proceeds to talk about how he's going to KO Chisora in double-quick time, and how he's then going to fight David Haye.

 

It was hoped that Haye would be in attendance to drum up interest in the fight, but as he's suffering from a rather painful attack of the 'Farmer Giles', he's elected to stay at home with his posterior firmly ensconced on a rubber ring.

 

Manny Steward and Wlad's brother Vitali also grace the podium and tell Derek he has no hope. Chisora however just sits there staring at Vitali with a far-away look in his eye, and a lump in his trousers!

 

At this point, Warren tries to open his festering gob to speak, but is interupted by Wlad's brother Vitali, who begins to knock seven types of shit out of the cretinous ginger fecker. "We don't want your odious type here", yells Vitali, and with a mighty kick up the promoter's oversized flabby rectum, he ejects him from the conference. A huge collective sigh of relief can be heard from the assembled multitude, happy in the knowledge that a pack of ferocious Rottweilers is outside, waiting to tear Mr Warren limb from limb.

 

As always on these occasions, the WBC like to enter the fray with a newly-minted cheap belt of their own. Stepping up to the podium is the stubby lard-arsed tosser known as Jose Sillyman. Turning to Chisora, he offers him his best wishes for the forthcoming bout, and proceeds to hand him a specially created belt. This new bauble is very apt for 'The Fairy', as it's the WBC 'Repressed Homo' belt! Derek eagerly accepts the belt, and passionately embraces the embarrassed Sillyman, who looks more then a little uncomfortable as Chisora plants a lovebite on the Mexican's wrinkled neck!

 

After all the talking has finished, the two fighters stand nose to nose in the typical fashion of big fights. Wladimir doesn't fancy a snog from Derek though, and tries not get too close. Suddenly Chisora pulls something from his pink Y-fronts and a huge gasp of surprise can be heard. No, it's not his manhood, but it is something that makes Wladimir shake like a jelly.

 

The object pulled from Derek's copiously sized pants is revealed to be a feather-filled pillow, in pink of course, and Chisora proceeds to tear it open. Grabbling one of the feathers, the challenger for the title rushes forward and swipes Wlad across the chin with the feather. Klitschko crashes to the ground in a comatose fashion, and Vitali rushes forward to restrain Chisora, who thinks his luck's in as he's now securely held in Vitali's muscular arms!

 

The unfortunate Wladimir is immediately given oxygen and rushed off to hospital, where he is placed on life support. The hospital's leading doctor, Count Otto von Thighblast, explains that due to the fact that Wladimir has such a weak chin, a blow from a feather can prove fatal if medical attention is not given in time. Fortunantly for Wladimir, he has his own nurse, Sister Gladys Lust-Girdle, on hand at all times to assist in his recovery.

 

The fight is postponed until the champ recovers and Chisora resumes his daily routine of training by day, and modelling women's clothing and handbags on Germany's catwalks by night. Derek also spends his time at the local docks, where he finds some friendly sailors, and he doesn't appear to be too worried about the delay to the fight, as he's having a great time with his new and rather butch 'friends'.

 

Eventually, after three weeks, Wladimir begins to emerge from his coma, and hatches an evil plan to get revenge on Britain's Punchin' Poofter. It is plan so cunning that it could well spell disaster for the challenger, for Wlad is to undergo a new revolutionary proceedure known as a 'Chinectomy'.

 

This medical process will enable Wladimir to withstand punches he hitherto could not, for the process involves a surgical removal of his own fragile chin, and a stronger, tougher donor chin grafted in it's place. The idea is put into practice by the emminent surgeon Dr Lydon Bains Sink-Plunger, an expert in such new fields of experimental surgery, as well as being a keen follower of the fight game. It seems Derek's feather stunt could be about to backfire....

 

Once the Chinectomy has been performed on Wlad, and Chisora has been dragged from the catwalk, the fight is back on. The weigh-in is now ready to take place, some five months after it was originally scheduled.

 

First on the scales is the defending champ, and he's looking in very good shape indeed. Infact, he's so proud of his physique, that he comes to the scales sporting only a thong so he can show off his body and leave his modesty intact.

 

Of couse, this has a profound effect on the young Mr Chisora, who becomes more 'excited' by the sceond, and has to be strapped down in his seat to prevent him from getting too overfriendly with the somewhat startled heavyweight champ.

 

Also looking on is the WBA champion, David 'Haemorrhoids' Haye, who has recovered sufficiently enough from his venomous piles, and is now able to place is posterior down without wincing!

 

Both Klitshcko's call out David saying they want to fight him next, but Haye's master negotiator, Adam 'Bumbiter' Booth says that they want a purse split of 80-20 in David's favour or else they'll fight Audley 'Pant Crapper' Harrison for a second time, followed by an intriguing match with the ancient and wrinkled crock, Evander 'Meals on Wheels' Holyfield.

 

Booth and Haye are then chased from the weigh-in by the assembled multitude, being tarred and feathered once outside, and sent back to England in cowardly disgrace.

 

Derek Chisora is then invited to take his place on the scales, and he steps up, removing his pink silk gown as he does so. This reveals him in all his glory, save for a peculiar pink codpiece, specially fashioned for the male who likes to 'stand proud' amongst other men!

 

THE FIGHT

 

The MC, the venerable, handle-bar moustached and fez-wearing, J. Peasemold Gruntfuttock, then takes centre stage and announces the officials and the two protagonists.

 

"Your supervisors are, for the IBO, Dr Ignatious Ghouls-Creature. For the WBO, Sir Gladys Harbinger, and for the IBF, Arthur Brown-Horrocks. Your Timekeeper is the Reverend Unseemly-Dogposture. Supervisor for the GBBofC is Otto von Mooseblaster. Special supervisor for the WBC is Prebendary 'Chopper' Harris. Counting the knockdowns is Mad Alice Cudlip"

 

"Doctors in attendance are Dr Gaylord Loomis, Dr Hugo Blubberlips and Dr Ramasees Cuck-Powder. The judges appointed for the contest are Madame Osiris Gnome-Clencher, Dame Bella Goat-Cabbage and Sir Aardvark Muff-Plaster. Your referee is Archbishop Ignatious Dangle."

 

"In the red corner, the challenger for the title, known as 'The Fairy' wearing latex trunks, a feather boa and weighing a trim 244lbs. This man is a former stoat gobbler and juggling Nun, and a proud owner of 1,000 handbags, former amateur haddock fondler of the year 1982, campanologist to the trade, and current British Heavyweight Champion, Derek Chisssssoooooraaaaa!"

 

"In the blue corner, weighting 247lbs and sporting a glass jaw, the former home secretary, wife of Henry VIII, and former Pravda newspaper editor. Making yet another defence of his titles, the overcautious boring dullard of a fighter, and former hippopotamus de-greaser by appointment, part time chef and lavatory attendant, the IBF, WBO & IBO champion, Wladimir Klitschkooooooo!"

 

The ring clears and the first bell rings, indicating the start of hostilities. Wladimir immediately advances, confident in the strength of his new chin. Derek seems a little overwhelmed by the occasion and spends most of the opener on his back foot, retreating from the advancing champ.

 

Klitschko manages to land some sharp jabs, but not much else. Chisora's fast mincing movement around the perimeter of the ring keeps him out of trouble, and he makes it through the round.

 

Chisora's seconds place a feather in his gloved hand before the start of the second round, and after adjusting his mascara, send him out to do battle.

 

As Wladimir comes toward him, Derek leaps in and swipes the champion's chin with the feather and steps back, expecting the champion to fall. Unfortunately for Chisora, the champion's new chin stands up to the feather, and Wlad responds with some fearsome blows of his own.

 

Chisora is knocked to the canvas for a count of seven, and staggers to his feet. The ref waves the fight on and Derek spends the rest of the round holding, trying to survive. Wlad becomes fustrated at Derek's limpet-like tactics, although Chisora seems to be enjoying the cuddle!

 

Having been patched up after his mauling at the hands of the Rottweilers, Warren is watching the fight from ringside, trying to urge on his man. At the end of the second, he goes to Chisora's corner to try and encourage him, and also to give his handlers the latest shade of lipstick for Derek!

 

Coming out for the third round, Wladimir looks like he means business, and goes straight on the attack, trying to bring the fight to a close. Lefts and rights rain down on Chisora's battered cranium, but bravely he tries to fire back. Showing grit and determination he tries to advance, but his met by a huge uppercut from Wlad that lifts him clean off his feet and out of the ring.

 

Chisora flies through the air and lands crevice first on the head of Warren, who promptly disappears up the challenger's rectum, much to the amusement of all. The fight is waved off and Klitschko retains his title in an unusual fashion.

 

Wladimir is hailed as a new man thanks to his tough new chin, and Chisora too is aplauded for coming and giving his best. He can be seen after the fight autographing packets of condoms and posing for photos with one and all.

 

For once, boxing is a winner, and so are the fans, as with Warren's head firmly lodged up Derek's rectum, he's unable to speak! It's surely the most satisfying conclusion to any prize fight in history!

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Great article. The David 'Haemorrhoids' Haye could well take on if people knew how to spell Haemorrhoids. mlol/

 

There are two spelling you fussy sod! One with the 'a' and one without! mlol/

 

No I didn't mean your spelling. I meant the name will never take on on forums as too difficult for clowns on some forums to be able to spell. bud//

 

I was laughing so much, the wife wanted to know what was funny but there is no way on earth I could make her understand the article lol.

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Oh I see Rob LOL

 

You should teach her English mate, my posts are well worth learning the language for!

 

There is English and then advanced.

 

This is how a conversation would go.

 

Whats a Chinectomy?

 

A Chinectomy is a new chin

 

Why he need new chin?

 

Cos he was KO'd by a feather

 

Really?

 

Yes

 

But Why, he's a boxer?

 

Yes but people say he has a glass jaw.

 

What's a glass jaw?

---------------------------

 

That's just from one word. Never mind explanations for 'Hello Sailor', Sister Gladys Lust-Girdle, cretinous ginger fecker, J. Peasemold Gruntfuttock ect mlol/

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Exclusive Update

 

The details of the assault case that has been reported involving Chisora can now be revealed.....

 

It seems that Chisora and another man, rumoured to be a gay model, have been arguing over which of them would be the next double action centre-fold in the leading faggot magazine, 'Big Todgers Monthly'.

 

Having been passed over for this prestigious photo call, Derek got all stroppy and let his fists fly. Now he'll have to make do with making the cover of the less prestigious mag, 'Big Boys In Boots'.

 

Rumour has it he's trying to get Wlad to appear in the mag too! mlol/

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